xena

by **tessa** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 1:04 am

oh my god.
i don't know how i'll survive this.

by **critters** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 5:43 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. :cry:

by **GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:18 am

Tessa! OMG! Tessa, you will make it through these horrible fires. Spend today screaming and crying, you are supposed to. Spend the day planning the BIGGEST AND FINEST memorial ever for this inspiration covered in fur. Spend the day in bed rolling around in horror and disbelief. Tessa, I am reeling from your loss. Your baby girl left your side, but she is always in your heart, our hearts, and she will never leave you. She will never leave you.
The pain you feel today is screaming, searing. It is disbelief and agony. Tessa, it gets easier. You don't even realize, but one day, you will look back at the day before and say to yourself, wow, that was excrutiating, but I MADE IT!
Can you tell us Tessa's story, in chapter-lets? Tell us about how she came into your life. We want to hear about the two of you in your early days, and the start of a love story that causes rainbows in the sky.
Tessa, I wish you were closer, I want to tell you how sorry I am. Your Xena will always be beyond special. You both inspired me daily, and I know in Xena's memory you can continue.
OMG. I was just saying to myself last week, thank God we have had no recent posts here. This is the HARDEST part of this journey we call love that we can endure.
HUGS TO YOU TODAY... Dear Tessa. Can we see her face again?

by **tessa** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:46 am

can't talk right now.
she lost use of the other front leg.

here's two weeks ago

OMG!!!!

by **LisainCAN** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:10 am

Oh no no no no no.

I can't believe it. I am so sorry.

I'll be thinking of you.

by **Friend2Dogs** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 11:12 am

Deleted

by **CarolC** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 12:10 pm

no words

by **Dianne** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 3:06 pm

Tessa, This comes as a complete shock!!! Oh NOOOOOOOOO! This wasn't supposed to happen. Zena beat the odds..... tears................. I first read your post at 4:30 AM this morning, but had no words... Take care of yourself. She never wanted YOU to suffer.

by **Amy** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:07 pm

Oh Tessa. My heart is just breaking for you. I want you to know that Xena is leaving a huge legacy behind. You both have been so inspritaional to so many people and I can honestly say I would have never gotten through Tyler's amputation and passing without all of your kind and encouraging words. Xena not only beat the odds she was an amazing dog who was a huge inspiration to so many.

I know Tyler and all of our other friends who have passed on were there to greet Xena and I can see them running around and playing and just so free. The love we have for them never goes away. And I can assure the pain does subside. The thoughts of Tyler no longer cause tears but instead I smile thinking of how much joy he brought to my life.

I'll be thinking of you!!
Amy

by **puremutt** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 5:01 pm

what happened I don't see on the top what happened!

omg today is my one year anniversary.

by **Christine** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 6:19 pm

Oh Tessa...I can't even speak....your pain is our pain . She was so brave and beautiful. I will never, never forget her or you. We are all here for you, I am so sorry. Sending love and tears for you and Liz.

by **Bendy Kitty** » Sat Sep 26, 2009 10:32 pm

manymanymanymany bendy purrrrrgles

remember that many people care for you and are here for you.

bendy

by **tessa** » Sun Sep 27, 2009 2:34 am

thanks everyone.
you know...i've been expecting this day for the past 3 years. but no amount of expecting made it any easier in the end.

liz and i were out on friday night.
when we got home...no xena at the door.
of course...she tried...but her other front leg simply could no longer support her.
she would try to take a step...and her leg would slide straight out forwards and she'd land on her face. on her face...because she was trying to use her snout as a leg.

so we gave her lots of pain meds...and all three of us were up all night together.
i could hear from her breathing she was still in a lot of pain despite the meds.

in the morning...we tried to get her outside for a pee.
we slung a towel under her and she allowed us move her forward...but she would not allow us to hold her while she peed, and she could not, of course, pee on her own without any front legs.

back history on xena is that she is very particular about her toiletting.
she has a lot of shame and dignity issues around toiletting.
when we moved to oz and she was sealed in a cage for 48 hours...she never went. FOR 48 HOURS. who amongst us could do the same?
the quarantine remarked on it, because they couldn't remember another dog who held off for that long.
then, she wouldn't toilet in the quarantine...because she was in a kennel with a concrete floor...and that, to her, was 'inside'...and she only ever once in her life went to the toilet 'inside', and then only because she was a very ill 5 month old puppy. she had a poop right next the door while i was at work.
anyway....i had to go to the quarantine every day to COMMAND her to go pee, go poo, yes NOW, yes on the concrete floor. and she would cry and cry, but eventually she would do it because she wanted to obey me more than she wanted to obey her own instincts.
it took me 5 hours of public transit and 1 hour of walking (combined time both ways) to visit her once a day, for an hour, at the quarantine....all so that she wouldn't hold her bladder and bowels for another 48 hours.

so.
the agreed marker to euthanize that liz and i had decided on for xena...was when she could no longer manage the toilet for herself.
i cannot over-emphasize her need for dignity in this area. if she did not have it...i may have opted for expressing.
but the sad reality was that xena was never going to get better...only worse. her mobility was never going to improve. also she was aging, she was doing no more than laying in the courtyard sleeping all day. there was not much quality left to her life besides our company.
she was depressed.
and she was suffering.
so we tried to relieve that...and to release her.

as it turned out, the needle was not the peaceful, painless death it promised to be.
i may write more on this...because i am both horrified and haunted by it.

in a happier time...xena complaining that the chicks are on her mat.

by **GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily** » Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:55 am

Oh, Tessa, my St.Jude was fussy as well. He woujld hold it as long as it took, if I was gone 14 hours or more, he held his business. He too could no longer manage the stairs and would not, could not tolerate rear assist. He was miserable and lost his smile. The pain over took his pleasure. I am horrififed for you that you had a bad experience. St.Jude's was beautiful despite the fact it took two needles to calm him and two shots to stop his heart. His heart would not stop. I underestimated his weight to the vet, I thought 70, evidently closer to 90#. I don't believe for a moment that he had a bad passing, it could not have been better, though, despite this.
Your Xena, you might be feeling things for her that she didn't feel?
I know your horror, I completely understand what you went through Friday night. A complete OMG horror. And yes, we are NEVER ready for the loss. I spent 2 weeks w/my mom taking hospice care of her at home. And when she drew her last breath, I screamed out loud NOOOOO. I knew she was going, I prayed it would be easier for her than it was, but despite that, I WANTED MY MOM. It hurts, Tessa, it hurts so much and I was listening to JE yesterday say "there is no cure for grief". Let it out, experience it, and with Xena in your heart, you will make it through this. She is strong enough for you and liz.
Your last moments with her, on the floor with your baby, is the BEST she ever could ask for and is ALL she ever wanted. YOU. YOU were the one thing in her life that gave her everything. Your Xena had a wonderful life with you. She was the LUCKIEST pup in the world, and you were the luckiest mama. I LOVE that plaintive look on her face! Telling her story will take the rest of your life, her face is so eloquent!

by **LisainCAN** » Sun Sep 27, 2009 8:51 am

tessa wrote:as it turned out, the needle was not the peaceful, painless death it promised to be.
i may write more on this...because i am both horrified and haunted by it.

I have no words to describe how heart-breaking this is. I have had to put down cats over the years (since I take in the sick ones who should not have even lived as long as they do) and I am haunted by Cookie's death. She fought the needle. She went agitated. I thought to myself that if she had that much fight in her then she must have still wanted to live but the reality was that we could no longer manage her disease and give her a quality of life (we were looking at feeding tubes). She needed to be let go. I am still upset that she fought but maybe it was her way of showing her spirit so that I had one last chance to see what a brave girl she was and how all the effort and time I had spent on her til then was so worth it because she wanted it. I also think back to our almost 20-year old cat who passed on his own during the night. He almost looked like he had been frightened by something when he died; his mouth was open and his body all tensed. Maybe a seizure or an aneurysm at the last minute is what made him pass on. What I am trying to say is that Xena could have had a "non-peaceful" death if she had gone on her own and with a good chance that you and Liz would not have been there. Her last minutes on this earth were with the two people who loved her the most. What more "peaceful" way to die?

Please know that your pain is felt acutely around the world. I am so sorry for your loss.