How to go on.....

[kristenv]

I apologize for the nature of this post, but am feeling unbearably crippled in the events of the past few days. It is agonizing to think I will never see my sweet girl's little face again, or see her little skip/run, but I am just tormented in the thought that her last moments were alone, and that she suffered. The thoughts are racing through my head, could I have prevented this somehow, was ther ea teltale sign that I missed? She has been cremated so the oppotunity for a necropsy is nonexistent, and I honestly do not know if I could do so anyway.
One of the many issues is her appearance when I found her. She had defecated in 2 spots on her bed, and had an enourmous amount of fluid (I am assuming saliva) underneath her head. I am riveted by the fear that she suffered, alone, and after all she gave to me it is almost unimaginable.
Coupled with the fact that so much of my time and attention has been devoted to Samy and his recovery I so fear that she died feeling neglected and unloved.
Sorry if this sounds stupid, I know I will never have answers.......but any similar experiences or suggestions would be most welcome.
I do not think I have ever felt so alone................

Kristen

[Caroline]

Aww Kristenv,
Try not to beat yourself up I know it is easiser said than done but really what will it change?
When my favorite pom Trudy died I too went threw so much guilt, she did suffer because I did not take her to the vet in time long story.
I still miss her she was my baby, sometimes you just need to grieve and thats ok.
I am so sorry for your loss may time mend your heart.
I really do belive that dogs go to heaven. and they were a gift to us here on earth.
Once again I am so sorry and try not to blame yourself your dog wouldnt blame you ever.

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

Kristen, the what if's will kill you. You did more than you ever thought possible, ever thought you could.
Your baby girl taught you more than you ever dreamed you could learn. You achieved so much, and you did it out of love.

Your grief is an honor to the life that changed you forever. She has made you into a better human being, and her memory will burn forever.

I found when I was slammed that if I did something to honor my son's life it would ease my agony. I had no idea how much comfort I would find. I make every birthday and every death anniversary, every Christmas an opportunity to save lives in my son's name. He continues to save lives and his legacy will long outlive mine.

You can do the same.

Please visit Andy's Sanctuary to get some ideas at:

http://www.andrewkeithanderson.tvheaven ... talog.html

And also on his cover page.

Make a living legacy and know more comfort than you could imagine. I started Lethal White Aussie Rescue - Carolinas in Andy's memory and Gabriel's honor. We now have more than 180 volunteers all over the country, very active members. I get more joy out of this and joke that the rescue has taken on a life of its own and I have to race to keep up.

I can help you do this. I can help you with your pain by turning it into a living legacy. Let me know if you would like to think about things.

And don't ever beat yourself up or second guess. I did this for awhile, and it all but flattened me. Some things are outside of our control, despite our NEED to have a say in the matter.

My heart grieves with you. I wasn't there for my boy either, and I completely understand the feeling of total failure. That has and will continue to torment me, but, there is nothing we could have done to change things, Kristen. Things happened outside of our control.

[SandyNY]

Hey Kristen,
it is very hard. I know what it is to have a bad vsion in your head such as this that can revisit you. Please understand that when a body dies, the bodliy functions release. there will often be urination and defication. there can be saliva or other fluids. this I belive was an after not a before for your girl. I know she went in two spots, but I also know when people die, there are body movements in the state just before; like when your dog is running and flinching and making sounds in his sleep as he dreams... she could have gotten the void in two spaces while she was unconscious - in that state this does not mean it was a long state. it could have been very fast. I think the regrets you have are personal - i mean you beating on yourself, critiquing where you could have done better - I know, there too. We cannot go back and change the past - we have to decide to go on , despite our viewed "failures". There were little moments, where we could have done differently - but we are human. it is the saddness, the void telling you these things - you did not cause this; you are left to deal with it.
please try to take comfort in knowing we are with you in spirit and cyber space;

[Christine]

Dear Kristen,

My heart just breaks for you and what you are feeling. Each time I have read your posts about losing your girl, I would start to write trying to find words to comfort you, save it and come back to find that Sandy had answered saying the same things I wanted to tell you much better than I ever could.

I am writing now to let you know that another of us...all of us do feel your pain and sorrow and that we are here for you. I do feel in my heart that Rory did choose to go in a peaceful way to spare you in a final act of love. I only hope that you can replace these current and very unfounded regrets with the realization that you returned her unconditional love tenfold and she knew that. My belief is that her soul was running and playing at the Rainbow Bridge long before those normal physical things took place. My prayer for you is that the beautiful, happy and loving memories will soon replace the sorrow you are feeling. Rory loved you and would never want you to feel this way. Please, please take care of yourself.

[CarolC]

Kristen, I believe animals have angels to be with them when they are in trouble. Had you been there, there was probably nothing you could have done but watch and accumulate even more troubling memories. She would probably have been unaware of you, it sounds like a seizure, once it starts she would not have known you.

[kodiblue]

I am right there with you. Can't breathe, can't function. I found Jack exactly the same. But I know he loved me and he is now able to run and play. He always watched the other dogs with such longing. Try to look foreward to the time you will meet again, and get all those saved up kisses. You don't hurt alone.

[luvmytripod]

SandyNY "Hey Kristen,
it is very hard. I know what it is to have a bad vsion in your head such as this that can revisit you. Please understand that when a body dies, the bodliy functions release. there will often be urination and defication. there can be saliva or other fluids.

I just wanted to offer my condolences and also agree with Sandy here...I've seen dozens of pets go very peacefully and quietly via euthanasia and most of them leave behind a scene very much as you've described. It can be upsetting to see, but it's very normal and not an indication of stress or discomfort at all. Hugs.

[kristenv]

Thank you all so much....your kind words and support have been so comforting. I have read and reread them frequently today to help me get through this first day back at work.
I was blessed to finally get some rest last night, and took my boy Samy out for a car ride to give us both a change of scene. Difficult to return home today though, as the house seems so much emptier without my sweet baby.
I will work on the guilt part.......that is going to take some time.
But did spent some time going through pictures of her from puppy on. In times past I would occassionaly pull these photos out and show her and Samy how cute they were as puppies. As you can imagine, they both looked at me as if I went round the bend, like "oh mom, you are SOOOO embarassing" Funny how much you forget as time passes.


Please know that you have helped more than you can imagine, and I am humbled by your kindness.

Kristen and Samy

[Caroline]

Thank you for thanking us.
Belive it or not but we all help each other .
They say life is short but so far it has been the hardest longest thing I have ever done.
Keep the faith.