A Hard Decision To Make

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Hi everyone. Because Riley had no bowel control he often smelled a little of poop/gas. Today I have been smelling him. I didn't smell him before this and it isn't hot here so I don't think it's from before. I was sitting in a chair watching t.v. and smelled him as if he was next to me on the floor. I know this could be only in my mind because the mind is so powerful. Do you think he could really be here in some way or is it a residual effect of him having been here before? If you think he might really be here, how can I wrap my mind around this? How do those of you who believe rationalize it? I am really struggling today with him being gone. He really did become my child and my life was very much wrapped up around him. I now have nothing except worried family members checking in on me. While I'm typing this at my computer I can again smell him. I LOVE this smell (only a mother could love). I cannot come to peace with being left here without him. How do you go on?

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

I believe, Pam. Oneof our most primal triggers is smell. I also know that we are supposed to cry, to mourn, to miss impsosibly. Your love for Riley is a tribute to teh love you share. To quote a corny movie, Love never dies. It doesnt. We can't turn it on or off, it is simply there. I have discovered that time, in the beginning of the loss journey makes things harder, because it is longer. As time goes by, though (another movie ), it will get easier. Your pain is a testament to your little Riley. Roll around in it, cry until you have no tears left, and you will sleep. Deeply. And when you awake, you'll feel washed out, but you won't cry again for at least another day. I iam so very sorry for your loss.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Thank you Karen. I just wish I would see him in a dream or a vision. I used to see my other dogs coming around the corner of a doorway before I realized they weren't really there anymore. I saw my collie in a dream. I need to see Riley. Is there some technique I could use to accomplish this? My sister saw him immediately after he passed and said he was happy but looked surprised. I want to know why he looked surprised. I talk to him alot and told him that if he loved my sister more than me and wanted to be with her in heaven that it was okay because I would be with her too and see him. I miss him so much it is getting harder instead of easier. I know I can contact a grief counselor but I don't want to lose any of the love that I feel for him now. I don't want to just go on without him and I feel guilt that I wasn't a good pack leader for him and not a good friend either.

How did the rest of you move on? Please let me know.

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

As it happens, I have done a ton of research. IADC involves making your eyes go rapidly left right left right over and over as you fall asleep. I had never had a dream of my mom. No signs, nothing. And when I did this, I not only dreamt of her, she and I were fully congnizent she was dead, and I was laughing, reminding her she had been afraid to die. She smiled. She didn't talk, but she smiled and nodded. It was as real as this keyboard I am typing on.

Your guilt is a 'normal' part of grief. We second guess everything and we forget we were in fact the best things that ever happened to these furry little lives. Guilt is a part of the profound love you have for Riley and it is 'normal'. I will tell you, though, after my son died, and I was crushed by questions, what if what if what if if only if only, the guilt will flatten you. I was on 2 Rxs for a month, and I stopped taking them. I felt nothing and that was WRONG. I would rather scream to the Heavens in agony than feel nothing. Shake off your guilt (easier said than done, I know), do something wondrous in Riley's memory and create his Legacy. Lethal White Aussie Rescue- Carolinas & Beyond! is Andy's legacy. I can help you find Riley's, if you like. visit http://www.AndrewKeithAnderson.tvheaven.com and check out the tab called: Andy's Sanctuary to get some ideas.

I am mourning my own AngelTillman with your grief. I closed that door too soon, it hurt way more than I thought it would. He had only come here to have a family to die with, I knew it would happen, I knew it. But I refused to believe it. The price of Love is a high one indeed. And we continue to love, toshare our lives and our hearts, because of all the AngelTillmans, Rileys, Possums, St.Judes Allix & of course Andys in our lives. They teach us that love is the best gift of all.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Thank you so much! I will try the eye movement thing. I'll also visit Andy's Sanctuary. You are an amazing woman! I'm sorry to hear about AngelTillman; I'm sure you gave him the best part of his life and luckily for him it was at the end. Thank you again.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Hello. This afternoon will be one week since Riley passed. I cannot believe it. I cannot believe he isn't just sleeping behind the couch, only to come up to me soon to be petted. So much empty space in my day; I still go looking for him to check his pants, to determine how long it's been since he wet or pooped. I always had a full gas tank, always clothes ready to go at a seconds notice in case he was sick. Constant praying for his health and safety, constant worrying about him. I read Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates yesterday. I emailed the author with some questions about why I hadn't seen him yet but my sister had and some other questions. He replied very quickly and his reply caused me to think. This morning I woke up with a realization that I haven't seen a vision or felt anything yet because I have been so consumed with grief and guilt that nothing can permeate my mind. When I saw my vision of my first dog in the meadow it was only after an extreme period of grief. I think Riley has probably been sending love to me since he left his physical body but I haven't been able to feel or receive it because of my pain and grief. My sister could see him because she saw his spirit leave his body and because her love for him was pure and innocent and uncomplicated. I still feel the need to be with him; I still feel so much pain that I wish I could die and be with him but now I feel more confident that we will be together again very soon; that he is really playing with the big dogs in heaven, happy and painfree and that we will spend eternity together once God allows me to join him. I pray for God to allow me to join him as soon as possible. Riley taught me very powerful lessons about love and he actually taught me how to really love. I say this not just in sorrow but because as a victim of childhood abuse my ability to love was damaged and I did not have children, one of the ways that God teaches people how to love unconditionally. I had not been able to fully allow myself to love until this special little spirit found me and opened my soul to the wonder of love and God. I thank God for his gift of Riley to me and I believe that he would not have blessed me so much with Riley only to take him from me. We are only apart physically and someday soon we will be together again in a place where I can hold and pet him and see his beautiful smile. I believe this with all my heart and soul. Thank you all for your support during this painful time.

[CarolC]

Dear Pam,

I think there is only one pet like that in anyone's life. Some people call it their heart dog or their covenant dog. If you have time it might help to go back through your messages on the board, rereading the messages you posted about him, or even copying them to keep. It may also help to volunteer somewhere grooming or walking dogs, they need the attention and it is good for the soul to just have your hands on pets, touching them. I am not saying that as a way of hoping you will find another pet, that is off in the future if you decide to do it, and not where you are at right now. A lot of my connections to pets are tied to the physical, carrying them, petting them, having one curled up against me, so maybe if you brush or walk them, it would help to get through this time.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Thank you Carol. Right now I am mixed between gratitude that I was blessed with him and sorrow that he was taken from me too soon. I want to share this with you all. Riley passed to heaven one week ago yesterday. I don't know the exact time but it was sometime between 4:20 and 4:35. We were in the car and I wasn't wearing a watch. I wanted to spend that time yesterday with photos of him and prayer and at about 4:10 I asked God if he would please give me a sign that Riley is safe and happy in heaven. I asked if he could have a beam of sunshine appear at the time that Riley passed so I would know he's okay. It had been stormy all day with rain and wind but at about 4:15 the clouds cleared a little and I could see blue sky. At about 4:25 sunlight shone on the photo I have of him on my bedroom mirror and on the photo of him on top of my dresser. It stayed for a few minutes and then the blue sky was covered with clouds once again. I truly believe that God showed me that Riley is okay in heaven.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Today in the grips of great grief I smelled my little Riley. It was as if he had come up beside me like he always has. Now I know he really is here. Somehow I must get better at remembering we are always together and just because I am not wise enough to understand how this is possible is not a reason to question. My little miracle boy is with me always but I would give anything to feel his hair again and hold him and kiss his head. I know someday I will.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Hi Carol, I think Riley is my heart dog. It feels right when I say it. It is a good idea to perhaps later work with a rescue to groom the dogs or something. I've had dogs my whole life and I know that eventually you at least consider adding a new dog to your life but I think it will be especially hard to even think of that after Riley. He wasn't really a dog but a child in a dog body. He was just so special that other dogs seem as if they are a different species. I tried walking my mother's dog this afternoon and cried all the way home. I think I will try to accept that this pain in my heart will not be going away; that it may weaken with time but it feels as if my child has died. There is no filling the gaping hole even with the promise of new life. Karen offered to help me find a way to honor him by creating something positive and perhaps someday I'll be able to think of that.

[CarolC]

I am glad. I tell my pets "Love you forever" and as far as I'm concerned, I could say "With you forever" and mean the same thing.

[Pam (Riley's mom)]

Yesterday I had something like a vision of Riley. It was kind of like a quick thought that carried an image. I saw God, who looked cloudlike and opaque, and at his left shoulder was Riley wearing his huge Riley smile. He looked so very happy and I was so glad to see him. His head then changed into a dog that looked like his cousin, Caite the corgi. Since Caite is still alive that was confusing but I am just so happy to have seen him and he is happy. Even though the sorrow didn't go away, I felt some peace. I'm hoping that he'll visit me again soon.

[Christine]

Hi Pam,

Your grief is still so raw, but Riley is finally getting through that to let you know he is okaye. Tiny little steps at a time, all the while loving him and still missing him, and eventually acceptance that your beautiful memories will sustain you until we all meet again. I am sad that you are joining a group of us who have and are still going through this. Just please know that we are always here for you and will occasionally ask for your shoulder too.