not sure what to do now

[SAR01]

(((Tessa)) I don;t know what candles you are talking about, I will have to look at more forums...

I will share with you. somepets pass and with all our love, we know they are in no more pain and that helps our grief. some we lose and we never know why, and that is hard to get over, then there is the senseless on purpose killing... we had a dog that was the baby of my "baby" Lusy was an abused stray we took in and became my world. she had 9 male pups and we kept one and named him Rebel. he was beautiful.... he was 4 yrs old when I went through a divorce and moved and he was let out of an open door and a witness told us she saw the driver go out of his way to hit the dog. he died in my arms. I grieved to the point I was thinking I might need to be medicated. I would literally fall down to the floor and sob till I could not catch a breathe. because or others.. a kid not closing a door, a driver just mean.,, the what if's tormented me for years,

I know that is not your case, but I do understand the intense grieve some of our loved pets leave us to deal with.

extra hugs to help you over this time of utter despair.

[critters]

She means http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/can ... ng&gi=Xena , from down on the memorial bb.

[SAR01]

thanks critters

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

Tessa, when I had Allix in my life, my life was complete. I had raised my boy all on my own, and he was off to SPREAD his wings at college. I needed someone to fill that hole, and Allix did it hands down. She was the little girl I never had. She was my heart's delight and when Andy would come home, he would shake his head. I told him when he greatedme at the door leaping with joy, his would be the first head I patted. I was a one dog family. When Allix died, I got Ambrr. When mom died, I got Jason. I started fostering and rescuing, little knowing where the path would take me. When my son, Andy, died, I started a rescue of genetically defective dogs. That rescue has kept me alive and moving forward. I 'celebrate' Andy's days by trying to rescue more. If you visit his page at http://www.AndrewKeithAnderson.tvheaven.com, you will find that you CAN move on, you CAN survive, and you CAN celebrate a life lost with the Gift of Life.
I am at 5 now, more than I am comfortable with, because of their various issues and disabilities. As the pack narrows, I will concentrate more on each of then and not rush out to rescue another. 5 is too many for one person to give that special one-on-one, but I AM here to tell you, they don't care if you cry, they don't care you are heartbroken. They need to be fed and they need to be pottied. And they are RIGHT HERE to comfort you every breath that you take. My pack adores me and I just can't describe that feeling, as each nudges the other away to get closer to mama. It takes my breath away.

You can get through this, it seems so impossible right now, but tomorrow, next week, you will look back and say to yourself that you are so strong, you can get through ANYTHING!

[Bendy Kitty]

I know the grief keeps going on long long past that first candle.
i kept candles going for my own for weeks.
it was always so helpful when someone else had lit one, too.

many many purrrrrrrs for you.

bendy

[tessa]

thanks everyone, for sharing your stories so freely.
i am speechless.
i know one day it will get easier. today is not that day.
not yet.

[Bendy Kitty]

mom has told me i need to live until i am at least 30.
i have managed to escape death twice in my lil life. Mom does not know what she will do when I am gone, so she hugs me every day.
I know what she will do, she will come here, where people wll undertand.

bendy

[troopersmommy]

"Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.' Kahlil Gibran

Hi Tessa, I'm kinda new to this site and was wandering around the forums this morning when I stumbled across your post. I am so sorry for your loss. Your words touched my heart in such a way that when I finished reading I had to get up from my laptop because I was crying so much I could hardly catch my breath. You definitely have a gift for putting into words the exact feelings I've experienced but didn't know how to express. I wanted to offer you encouragement and find instead that I'm thanking you for making me realize how much I loved every single animal that has crossed my path, and that I haven't forgotten any of them, I just had them tucked away in my heart.

I went to each one of my pets (22 in all-14 dogs,8 cats- very young to very old) and hugged them as fiercely as they would allow, knowing for some that it could be the last time. And then I hugged my husband, because he loves them as much as I do, and grieves even more, if that's possible. I do believe that getting another pet, especially one that really needs you, helps to ease the pain and emptiness. You'll never replace Zena, you wouldn't want to even if you could, but you'll find another adorable, loving being that will give you undying love for just simple acts of kindness, willing to be patient until one day when you love them more than you thought possible. The best part is that the next animal you get, if you choose to, won't expect to be loved as much as you love Zena and will be quite satisfied to be second. See, animals know that even a little bit of love is alot when they have someone like you.

[Christine]

This thread has become such a powerful combination of wisdom and inspiration, I think it should be a sticky at the top of the Rainbow Bridge. Everytime I come back to this one, I cry and remember, feel sad and then a little more accepting of the way things unfolded, and always grateful for the unconditional love I received and the circle of new friends who understand the depth of all this. Well done, our sweet Xena...

[tessa]

oh...you bunch are so fantastic.
i really appreciate all your support.

so far...i've had one day where i didn't fall in a heap.
that was friday.
it's now monday...over two weeks since i last kissed her face...and it's still so hard to let myself think about her.
she hasn't come to my dreams either. i'm actually quite distraught about that, but i'm sure i'm just protecting myself. she'll come when i'm ready.

oh xena.
my xena.
she was in so many ways...my own personal hero.
she taught me so much about goodness. she was a role model for me.
i'm not sure what to do now that my role model is gone...but, to be honest, i've always known i could never achieve the goodness that she modelled.
still...it was nice to have it in my face all the time...to prove that it really does exist in this world.
oh gosh.
if only people were as simply beautiful as dogs.
how good would the world be then?



gentle and trustworthy




shares with others



patient



immune to ridicule



gorgeous to the end

[troopersmommy]

Dear Tessa,

I came back again today to thank you... for having the courage to bare your soul in this time of sorrow and to allow me to share it with you. Then I saw your newest post. Once again, I was hit with overwhelming emotions as I read your words and stared at your photos of Xena. And once again...I couldn't stop crying.

Christine was so right when she commented on the power of this thread. Xena was an angel blessed to have been allowed to share her earth-life with you. You are so strong.

All I have to offer is this...when you feel your world starting to crumble, just think about the incredibly rare and powerful love you were priveleged to share with Xena. Then close your eyes... and she'll come running to you. In fact, you'll see that she never actually left... because I can see her in every one of your words, as easily as I see her in your photographs.

Again, let me say thank you.

[tessa]

thankyou troopersmommy.
i am a puddle of tears.

[critters]

Awww, LOVE the pics of her with the baby chicks!!!! What a sweet, gentle girl!

[Caroline]

What nice pictures she just looks like a love muff.
What blows me away is that she looks like at least three dogs I saw at the dog park yesterday they could be sisters.
I have never really been to a big dog park and decided to start taking Diesel so he would be a more social dog thier must have been 50 dogs there.
Birds, dogs, kids and the beauty of the park is good for the soul.

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

OMG! I never get enough of her beautiful life. Tessa, the strongest person in the world would be devastated to lose some one as beautiful as Xena. Your words are so very eloquent, you express your grief so beautifully universally.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your girl. We look forward to more!