Need advice - or maybe just to vent

[jeannewinter]

Hi all,

I wrote a couple of years ago about my oldest guy (now 14) CJ needing an amputation. He had his left rear leg removed in April of 2008. As far as that is concerned, he healed up well and thankfully, we didn't have any problems. The irony is that his remaining rear leg is now useless. Just before the amputation, he was beginning to lose strength and started having problems getting up. Of course the amputation kept him down for a while until he healed and by the time he should have gotten up to move around, he couldn't.

We used different methods of getting him around. Now he is wearing a the Blue Dog 2 piece harness which replaced the Hartmann. I like the Blue Dog one a lot more. Alright, here comes my whining. :/ As I said, CJ is 14 now, not terribly old, but no spring chicken either. He weighs around 80-ish pounds. His back end is completely gone and now his front legs and chest are beginning to weaken and there are times he can barely walk. My husband just picks him up and carries him outside. I cannot. I have arthritis in my hands and shoulders and a herniated disc in my back. My back hasn't been bothering me at all, but it is starting to, just a tiny bit. My hands and shoulders hurt when I take him out. And he is afraid of walking for some reason and sometimes I have to push him to keep him going otherwise we are both going to go down. He does this when we go out the storm door to the top step, then there are 2 more steps down to the walkway. So here I am pushing him to keep him going and he's trying to plant himself to stop, I start to yell at him and get so frustrated, I'm in pain, I'm also afraid of falling (we have both fallen before in this scenario) he's afraid of falling, but of course he doesn't understand he needs to keep moving. When we finally get to the grass which is only a couple of feet from the walkway, he stands with his front legs splayed out and keeps falling down in the back. So I have to try to get his front legs together more to keep him upright and keep telling him to stand up, stand up, stand UP. Then sometimes he tries to drag me right back to the house and of course I'm not expecting it and it jerks my hand and shoulder and then I get mad at him, etc, etc, etc. Then the whole thing goes in reverse to get him back in the house.

I have to do this 3 or 4 times a day until my husband gets home from work. I can't even begin to relay the amount of guilt I feel for yelling at my boy. I know he can't help it, but it's doing a real job on my body and spirit and once we get back in the house, I fall apart sobbing. It isn't always this bad, maybe 50% of the time. 2 or 3 times out of 4 I'd say.
Once in the house, CJ is on a cushiony bed and that's where he stays all day. That's his day. He has to be in the same room with me and I try to make that happen as much as possible. If I can't, he's barking for me to come back, he hates to be alone. He is still eating and I guess he is as happy as he can be.

I'm so worried about how I'm going to do this in the coming winter. With ice and snow, I just don't know what I'm going to do.

THere are some days that he almost sleeps the whole day. Some days he just seems so unhappy. Other days he doesn't. I don't want to play God. I've lost 3 dogs in the last 2 1/2 years. I don't want to lose CJ. I look at him and cry thinking back to how big and strong he used to be. Now he seems just like a shell of his former self.

I don't know what I"m asking for. Advice? Someone who can absolutely relate to this? Someone to tell me what to do? I don't know. I just don't know.

[Bobbie]

It's very hard to make this decision when the animal's body is failing but his mind is still sharp. But it doesn't sound like CJ is very happy with the situation, either. Sometimes the best gift is to let them go while they are still having good days. It's hard to do that because you want it to be better, but I think you've honestly stated the facts. He isn't going to walk again, he doesn't have much of a life if he is only happy when he is near you, and caring for him is hurting you and is going to make it hard for you to care for the others. And what you are waiting for is for him to become sick so you know it is the time to let him go- and if that happens he has to suffer first. And at 14 that's going to happen soon.

You may get other opinions on how to make life easier with him, and I respect those, and of course you have to make your own decision, but my own personal opinion is that its time to say goodbye, or at least it is nearing that time. You have the luxury of time- you can decide when to let go, and lead up to that time by making the days special. Maybe plan for just before the winter weather hits. My guess is that if you make a decision to ssay goodbye in the somewhat near future, you will be able to cherish the last days instead of agonizing over the day to day struggles.

[CarolC]

My friend, you can't do this anymore. Please don't lift him again. You can be risking permanent pain, risky back surgery that may not work, thousands in medical expense, months of physical therapy, loss of the ability to sit through a movie, ride in a car, put on your socks, or carry groceries. Ruining your back now could mean someday you will have to go to a nursing home earlier than you would have.

As I said, CJ is 14 now, not terribly old

I'm sorry, but that is older than you think for a golden, that is very old. I'm so sorry, but this is about as old as they get. Check the lifespans on reputable websites.

*edit* Maybe you could use male wraps on your dog during the day and only change the pad, and let your husband take him outdoors morning and evening, I don't know. I'm not sure you should be bending and changing male wraps on an 80-lb down dog, there is a certain amount of pushing and tugging and back strain involved, I question whether this would be wise, it's your call.

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

Jeanne, I want to echo CarolC's sentiments. You have to take care of YOU first or you are no use to anyone.
I used to sob to my pack, I'm no good to you, dead, when they pushed me so far beyond my limits and I begged them to help me out.
Your ability to care is only exceeded by your ability to love. I am astonished at the age of your Golden, as CarolC says, it is a good long life! Wow! You must be doing something extremely right! You'll drive up the national average, make sure your vet puts CJ in the records.
As Bobbie so beautifully says, you DO have the luxury of time. You are not faced with immediate decisions. So TODAY starts the BEST DAY of CJ's LIFE! Everything means something. Make yourself a den on the LR floor, pull out cushions, pillows, make a big bed on the floor. Pop some popcorn, lay CJ on the bed (on the SIDE, saving room for YOU) and watch a chick flick together. He may not get th chick flick, but he will LOVE your special alone time together on the floor, as you whisper to each other, and LOVE TODAY! My pups go SILLY CRAZY when I get on the floor with them, they ALL fight to get next to mama. Don't know why it is so special to them, but one thing I can tell you, it IS! Today is all that matters. This moment. Our pups are so very wise. They LIVE in the moment. This is why severely abused or neglected dogs make such astonishing 'recoveries'. They life for the MOMENT and This particular MOMENT is the best ever!

You can vent all you want. We love to share what we are going through, and that's what this board is so perfect at doing. We are here to support you, to offer advice, to give you ideas, to share our own experiences. We're hear (here), Jeanne. Right here beside you.

[Dianne]

Indoor and porch doggie pottie devices

Don't know if this will be helpful or not. If you're creative, and I think your are, you might come up with your own design.

http://www.porchpotty.com/

http://www.doggysolutions.com/

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00152 ... 9AZVQPP7SF

[jeannewinter]

THank you all for your responses, advice, and support.

I don't know how I would get him outside if I don't keep doing what I'm doing. I know you all mean well, but what can I do? Just let him go where he is? I don't think he would even do that at this point. This is a dog that never had an accident in the house, ever! Only when he had his leg removed, did he have an accident or two but we (husband and I and doctors) really believe it was the after effect of the anesthesia. And as far as the indoor potty, I'd still have to get him up and maneuver him to it and on it and hold him up. And then to have to deal with the urine disposal and cleaning, ugh. I don't think I want to do that. But thank you so much for the suggestion.

I know I do have the luxury of time as someone put it, but how can I let him go if he's not really sick or close to the end? Today, of course, he's been wagging his tail a lot and seems happy, but someone told me that always happens when you begin to contemplate euthanasia. Is that true? Have any of you heard of that happening? Has anyone here gone through something like this and made the decision while their dog was still kind of sort of ok?

[CarolC]

Hi Jeanne,

Yes, a male wrap is designed to let them go where they lie. It is a wide belt around the waist and it holds a large absorbent pad over his 'pee-pee' all day. We have a lot of experience here with what pads are the most absorbent. I used something like a large Poise pad (for humans with loss of bladder control). The male wrap (belly band, also called a tinkle belt) held the pad in place all day. If it was wet, I removed the belt, put a dry pad in, and he was fine. Changing the pads was never offensive to me, they absorb everything so it really isn't bad. I would just roll up the pad with the urine inside and toss it out in the trash. Better to carry a pad out the door to the trash than lug a whole dog outside. Here is some information on male wraps, and a picture of my dog Merlin wearing his.

https://www.handicappedpets.com/mediawiki/index.php/Diapers_and_male_wraps

https://www.handicappedpets.com/mediawiki/?title=Male_wrap_with_handles

If you husband takes him outside morning and night, he can go Number two outside. (Although, for what it's worth, there are good ways of handling that indoors, too, that do not involve lifting. If you want to know later, please ask.)

I guess maybe you could consider that it would not cost a lot to try the male wraps. Having a good brand that will stay in place is important, I was very happy with the brand I used on Merlin, I can't speak for other brands.

[Bobbie]

First of all, at 14, he IS close to the end. A very few dogs do live to 16 or 17 or even 18 but its extremely rare and they aren't dogs that are down at 14.

I did have to choose to end the life of a dog that was essentially healthy in body but senile. It was hard but the alternative was that she was going to end her own life by wandering out into the yard in a rainstorm and being unable to find the way back (she was that confused) and I would have felt ten times worse letting that happen. She was sixteen so I knew that although her body was still healthy it wouldn't stay that way long, anyway.

I've never felt I acted too soon; on occasion I have felt as if I had waited too long and my dog ended up suffering through what I could have prevented.

There are ways to try to get through the next weeks or months or whatever it takes until something major fails- but what would you be doing it for? You've said he isn't always happy. You are miserable and risking your own health. And the outcome is not going to be that he gets better. If he isn't going to want to pee in the house and will feel terrible doing it, then that will only make him feel worse.

Try to think of it not as ending his life but as preventing suffering that will inevitably happen if things go on this way.

[GabrielDeafBlindPupFamily]

I cry with you. Enjoy your time together is the only advice I can give you. Look at CJ like today is your last day together. It helps, it really does. Make each moment special. Your boy knows you are hurting, he knows your very soul. Take your cues from him, and see if you can get a caregiver's break. You need it. Get a vet tech to come in and spend the day with him and you get out of the house and PAMPER yourself, lunch, manicure, move. I got a gift certificate for a manicure a couple of years ago. I thought WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY THIS IS! So I went in. I felt pawsitively PAMPERED and gave a gift certificate to my sister, who also had never had one. She now gets a manicure every week. This is one pamper she gifts herself. It transcends the feel-good neurotransmitter, seratonin, and you will feel actually 'pretty' after one. When we caretake constantly in grief, and agony, we grab what we can for comfort.It may be a manicure or a pedicure (my sister graduated, but I am here to tell you, NO ONE BUT NO ONE sees me without my shoes and socks!) Give yourself some care. Ask for help. You need a break and you need a chance to think of YOU. You will be re-energized, whether it is a stroll on the beach, picking up shells, or a day at the spa. Take your day and find yourself.