Feeling guilty about my pup

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D33injpn
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Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2018 10:52 am

Feeling guilty about my pup

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[*]hey everyone, last Halloween I came home to find my little dachshund alfies back legs had stopped working for a second time.
A year prior his legs stopped working and he recovered however the second time the vet stated that this time it’s for good.

We bought him a wheelchair and lots of comfortable bedding and luckily he is still able to go to the bathroom by himself. He still uses diapers though as he has frequent mistakes.

A year into this new life I felt I was coming to terms with the fact my dog is now disabled. He is so sweet and lovable but whenever I look at him all I can see is his legs and my heart sinks a little bit.

On top of that my wife and I have a 1 year old who is a handful. My son is still a little to young to play with alfie as he is always putting his hands in his mouth so my wife says if he plays with alfie we have to watch him like a hawk.

I take him for regular walks, around the block and up to the woods. However when I come home I feel like I don’t give him enough attention, when I’m in my office he is always by my side but since I have my son I’m in there less and less. Alfie is out when we are home but if we are out he is in his crate due to worries of him hurting himself again.

Does anyone have any advice on how to cope with the guilt along with attention?
I’m really struggling here because I love my dog dearly, many people say I should give him up but I can’t, I made the choice to love and give him the best life I can but I can’t continue feeling this bad.
Please help.
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CarolC
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Re: Feeling guilty about my pup

Post by CarolC »

:welcomeback:

I don't think you should feel bad. I really don't. This is a completely normal situation with a new baby. There are quite a few children's books about a new baby in the house, told from the perspective of the family dog who was there first. It's a universal dog problem, not just a disabled dog problem. If he wasn't disabled, he might be getting even less attention because you might turn him loose to run around the yard instead of taking him for a walk every day.

If you had an older child and this baby came along, it would be the same situation. How do you pay attention to the older child (who is used to your undivided attention) while this new kid is demanding all the attention. You would still have a balancing act, and frankly, the new baby might not get quite as much attention as he would if he had been the firstborn. (How could he?) Someday there may even be another new baby, and then it will be your son's turn to make room and adjust.

Some kids are a lot more demanding than others, too. You kind of have to evaluate how you want to handle that. Your first instinct is to give him everything he wants, nurture him and help him grow in every way, because you love him and are proud of him. But is he going to have everything he wants in later life, or is he going to have to learn to share attention with others around him. I know it takes a lot of soul searching to figure out what the right balance should be. Some people will say "It's a dog" and put the dog at the bottom of the totem pole. Others see the dog as an important family member deserving of consideration. Sometimes spouses do not agree on the relative position of the dog in the family. Every family has to figure out how to strike that balance.

The thing that might help is to look at disability from the dog's perspective. There are people who've said it a lot better than I can, but dogs really don't think, "Poor me, I can't do what I used to." They just adjust to their new normal and get on with the business of life. If you took your dog out into the back yard without his wheelchair right now and a cat walked past the fence, he wouldn't sit and think, "I can't run". He'd more likely shoot across the yard on 2 legs as fast as he used to on 4, and be just as much himself as he ever was.

I did the same thing you are doing regarding crating. I made the decision to crate my dog when I wasn't home so she wouldn't get abrasions from carpet burn while I wasn't there to monitor. A lot of people crate their dogs while they're at work, and their dogs are not disabled. I think dogs respond to routine. "I go in my crate when they leave for work". I get a treat when they come home. We go for a walk after dinner." etc. Perhaps you could give him a very small treat (Milk Bone Minis? Cheerios?) once in a while, because that is attention even if it isn't a lot of you-time, but he knows you are thinking of him.

I don't know if family walks might be an option, but possibly you and your wife could put one kiddo in the wheelchair and the other kiddo in the baby stroller and go for a walk together.

You might also be able to include him better if you have several places set up for him. For example, if you normally play with the baby in the living room, could you put a playpen in the living room and put your dog in it so he can be right there watching, but up off the floor? If you don't have room for a playpen, maybe a side-sleeper or travel playpen? They cost more but they are smaller. That way he can be near the center of activity without having to participate in everything. And it might be good for the baby to see Alfie nearby being part of the family. If you are in your office, Alfie is with you. If you are going to go play with the baby and your wife does not want Alfie on the floor playing, then bring Alfie and put him in the playpen with some toys so he is nearby. That way the whole room does not have to be off limits, he can still be in the room, just not on the floor.

I started out with 2 playpens and a crate for my dog. Here the center of activity is in the kitchen, so I have the crate on the kitchen table. But I also put a playpen in the bedroom and another playpen in the sunporch. (They are just baby playpens, not dog gear, Graco for example.) I've had one dog manage to make a hole in the netting, but our other playpens have help up to being used for 2 disabled small dogs just fine.

Another option might be to put Alfie on the floor outside the baby gate so he can watch. For example if you are playing in the livingroom and there is a baby gate going to the hall, Alfie can watch from the other side of the gate. Many, many dogs watch babies play from the other side of a gate. I have 2 baby gates here, going to the kitchen and hall. They are the kind that screw into the door frame. I've had no luck with the spring loaded ones, they don't stay and I don't trust them.

You shouldn't feel bad. It sounds like your dog is happy. All I can think of is to set up some stations (playpens) in areas of the house so he can continue to be involved right now, and bring him with you. The baby is growing and before long they can play together and maybe next year you will have an adorable family holiday photo to post of Alfie and the baby. Your baby is lucky, because he is going to be brought up understanding acceptance of disabilities, and the philosophy of, "You come, too." So don't feel bad. This is a temporary situation. Everyone has to "make do", that's how it is with new babies. This may be Alfie's slight temporary sacrifice right now, but you are raising a little boy who is going to be a playmate for Alfie before long, and Alfie will be able to have more fun than ever. :)

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D33injpn
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Re: Feeling guilty about my pup

Post by D33injpn »

Thank you so so so much, just reading your response has helped a lot. It has taken a lot of stress away from me. I guess talking to another disabled dog owner is a lot different to owners whose dogs aren’t disabled, I suppose we have a different way of thinking.

I really think the play pen idea is fantastic, I can’t believe I never even thought of that. In our kitchen we have a baby gate and a small gate next to the door, we usually leave the door open and let alfie come up, he is always watching my son and recently my son has been showing him his toys and giving him pats which is nice.

Speaking of family walks, it’s a weekly routine that my wife, son and alfie go for walks together. Alfie waits for my son to catch up even if my son is a little slow. I also take him running from time to time, he is a lot faster these days than before so it’s great fun!

I think balance is very important like you said, last night my son sat and watched while I changed alfies diapers and he was very interested, alfie waits outside the bathroom while I shower my son so I have a feeling alfie and sena will be great friends when they are older. I have also started waking up a little faster so I can go spend a little more time playing alfie, and while my son is getting ready, instead of crating alfie, he is out with us while we get ready for work/school.

Thank you again, it has brightened my morning!
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critters
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Re: Feeling guilty about my pup

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:whale:
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CarolC
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Re: Feeling guilty about my pup

Post by CarolC »

Good deal! I *love* the descrption of the interactions between Alfie and your son. It sounds like your son and Alfie have an understanding already. That is precious. Hopefully the playpen idea will work. I don't know what I would have done without a playpen. If you've got a dog that's small enough so he can't climb out and you won't hurt your back getting him in and out of it, it's perfect.

Speaking of your back, I have a trick I like to use for the playpen. The modern playpens seem to have velcro on the underside of the mattress to stick it to the bottom of the playpen, probably to prevent a baby getting under it. It is a little hard to pull up if you want to put on a fitted sheet. Also, the boards inside the mattress make it heavy to lift. I made an extra "foam" mattress that lies on top of the playpen mattress. It is extremely lightweight, and also you can get it entirely clean. Whatever fabric they use on playpens is water resistant but not impermeable, eventually you can have stains. The foam is more like plastic and nothing soaks in, it wipes clean easily. Anyway, with the foam mattress on top, I don't have to worry about urine, and I can easily slip a quilted mattress cover on and off without hurting my back bending down into the bottom of the playpen. Here is the kind of foam I mean. It is not porous, it's almost like a styrofoam cup (except it bends and is indestructible). Hope this helps! :D

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